On Saturday, May 2, I was expecting a FedEx package. I get a little eager when I’m expecting something (a watch in this case), and I tend to check the front porch several times during the day. On what I think was the second check of the day, I opened the door and looked down to see this:

My first thought was that someone was watching and waiting to see the reaction of the dude that opens the door to see a creepy crawfish with a note attached sitting on his porch, so I slammed the door and ran up the stairs to see Emily. She was feeding Charley.

Me: “Okay, you wanna hear something weird?”

Em: Blank stare.

Me: “I was checking for my watch that’s supposed to be here today, and when I opened the door there’s a crawfish sitting on the front porch.”

Em: “A live one?”

Me: “No, a bright red one like it’s been cooked for a crawfish boil.”

Em: “Crawfish are gross.”

Me: “Ooh, I should take some pictures.”

Em: “Okay, but just don’t show them to me. Those things freak me out.”

I went downstairs, grabbed a plastic bag and my grill stick from the side porch, then went to the front door. I wasn’t THAT worried anymore about some 12-year-old hiding behind a tree and waiting to take a picture of my freakout. Besides, even I can appreciate that a picture of a 30-something dude on all fours in his doorway with a camera phone in one hand and a stick in the other, poking a crawfish, would be pretty funny. Video would be even better.

Anyway, I poked the crawfish to make sure it wasn’t spring-loaded, then threw it into the plastic bag using the stick (probably took four tries). Next it was time to read the note.

I was a little puzzled. Does someone think I’m Red Lobster’s CEO? Or was it not directed and me and more of a call-to-action type of thing? Then I wondered if any other porches in the neighborhood got crawfish with little environmental messages attached, and now I wish I had walked up and down the street to check. Either way it’s weird. If it was just us, then why us? And why was this someone walking/driving around with a cooked crawfish. If several houses got them, then the person must have had a whole bag of crawfish. That’s weird too.

Still crouched in the doorway, I flipped over the little strip of papaer.

So there we have it–it was RICARDO! I’ve known one Ricardo in the past ten years. He was a bartender I worked with at Manuels down on Congress Ave. Nice guy. Moved up north somewhere…Portland I think. He’s probably not the one that did it.

To the Ricardo who DID do it, why use a crawfish and not a lobster? After all, you ARE protesting “Lobstefest,” right? I guess if you were carrying 20 or so, crawfish are more manageable. Little piece of advice though, next time try replacing the crawfish with a $50 bill and change the note to read: “Go get yourself some lobster so you can really understand how “Lobsterfest” is hurting our waters. -Ricardo” Do that, and I’ll be MUCH more sympathetic to your cause.